Swede Rock

Hi Y'all.

Been awhile since I've posted. I've been drinking heavily of late and generally lacking ambition. Like a pendulum my creativity waxes and wanes as the gravity of life pulls me in different directions.

Anyhow I've been reading a lot of 5-10-15-20's over at pitchfork and it's an interesting analysis of how the musical progression of people's tastes has gone forward. It seems like most people were influenced by the tastes of a parent/brother which helped shape their musical purchases. I can remember for me there were a few things my parents played that I actually liked when I was young: quintessential Canadian rocker Bryan Adams, Eric Clapton (especially the acoustic version of Layla) and for some reason Marc Cohn. At that age you are really limited to what is played for you (well, in the late 80's/early 90's anyway) so choosing those musicians was like having moons over my hammy at Denny's - you would rather have a different selection but you make the best of what you've got.

By the time I was 9 or 10 I realized music was something that I really was into but didn't understand how to source good content. At that age most your friends are still listening to Fred Penner and Raffi and could really give two shits about what is playing on the radio. I knew that mom and pops record collection wasn't going to suffice though and that I needed to go buy my own music.

I remember going into the Music World (now defunct) near my house to buy a couple tapes. At this point I really couldn't tell you how I made my selection but the two tapes I ended coming out with were Live (Throwing Copper) and Salt-N-Pepa (Very Necessary). There must have been some sort of in store advertising involved that tilted my young mind because in 1994 that's about as dichotomous a purchase as they come. I remember the store clerk commenting on how great Throwing Copper was as he rang it up and then just looking bewildered at this little white kid from Canadiana buying a female fronted hip hop album to go along with it.

Regardless, multiple walkman listens to Lightning Crashes and Shoop confirmed that music was something I wanted to learn more about. Prior to having the effects of peer groups veer me towards alt rock at the age of 11 (which I still love) there were a few more ill informed tape purchases. Somewhere along the way I remember picking up Michael Jackson's Dangerous which was great. Even if he was coming down from his 80's heights the tape was still fantastic and easily accessible to me. Every kid born in the 80's needed a Michael Jackson album to really get into and this was mine.

 I remember also picking up a Bon Jovi tape in that timeframe. They had all the storefront advertising at the HMV in Winnipeg so I thought they must be amazing. I must have realized that Bon Jovi was in fact not good prior to listening to it though because I can't remember that tape at all (note: we are talking 90's Bon Jovi here. I'm always game for an 80's Jon Bon power ballad).

Anyways, prior to heading down the Alt path of the mid 90's (Smashing Pumpkins, Bush-X (only in Canada), Stone Temple Pilots, Garbage, Nirvana. I think I also ended up with some Collective Soul (+), Soul Asylum (-), and Megadeth (+/-) from a contract with those shysters over at Columbia House) I made one other major tape purchase - Ace of Base. Catchy as it was, the album The Sign was one of the biggest sellers of the 90's with over 20 million units moved so the fact that someone bought it isn't overly surprising. What it has been though is a precursor to my on going love affair with Swedish music that continues to this day.

In the late 90's there seems to have been a lull in Swedish music (on this continent anyways) as it kept on the pop-y course set by Abba and Ace of Base. The only other notable Swedish band I can remember from that era is the Cardigans, who would be predominantly viewed as a one hit wonder in North America for "Lovefool" (I haven't listened to much of their catalog but they seem like they may be in reality more like Blur, who only had mainstream success on one song but actually had great depth to their sound). Also, like most Swedish women, their lead singer was smoking hot which is a megaplus.

In the 2000's though the country somehow turned into Austin East - a musical enclave that churned out amazing music a rate far greater than it's population. The decade started out with bands like The Hives, Division of Laura Lee, The Sounds, Caesars and The (International) Noise Consipiracy making headways around the globe with a typically more garage/punk rock sound. There was a transition in the middle of the decade as indie rock became popular bringing a more diverse sound from the country. This lead to a wide array of bands gaining indie popularity including Peter, Bjorn and John, Mando Diao, Dungen, Shout Out Louds,  and Jose Gonzalez. The last couple years though have seen a shift to a more electronic/keyboard based sound as bands like Lykke Li and The Knife have risen to prominence. This all while the metal roots of the country (which I know sweet fuck all about, except these beauts) continued to do its thing.

Anyhow, this meandering story is all a preamble to the Swedish band Little Dragon I heard on the interwebs last night. The first single off their new album Ritual Union is the catchy as shit Night Light which has been on repeat ever since I heard it. With Yukimi Nagano on vocals the music reminds me of a more melodic version of Caribou mixed with Metronomy (sorry Dan Snaith, you're still good). Heavy percussion and synth noises vaguely reminiscent of 8-bit gaming add to the allure of the sound.

The song Ritual Union utilizes the same percussion driven style with the keyboard providing a subtler backing than in Night Light. Where a band like Metronomy can get more synth heavy and use that as the driving force, Little Dragon downplays the electro portion of their sound. This allows both Nagano and the percussion portion of the band to take a larger role in the band. This leads to a very listenable hard/soft dynamic in the sound of the band.

Ultimately I'll leave it to you to explore the band further but the initial "toe in the water" seems promising.

Until the pendulum hits the upswing again,

David

Long Weekend

Hello everybody.

Not sure where y'all are located but for those of you reading the blog in Canada (which appears to be most of you - my viewership mimics that of Degrassi High (and yes, that includes Kevin Smith, he is an "early adopter" from the Americans)) it is a long weekend. August Long is probably one of the best holidays in my mind because it has no purpose other than the fact that having a long weekend in August is like Ween - it rocks. While other holidays take their direction from dead presidents who hooked up with Marilyn Monroe and a jewish carpenter called Jesus, August Long exists simply for the fact that it is pleasurable (like the B-52's). I think we can all aspire to "do what feels right" and this is a big win in that category.

For those of you who do not get an extended long weekend it is because:

a) you live in a communist country and Stalin/Mao/Marx/Castro did not do anything notable at the beginning of August.
b) you live in an Asian country and giving you a day off would hurt the goal of having you work 3450 hours in a year.
or c) you are in Americana and since the unemployment rate is constantly increasing there is no reason to add new public holidays since most people aren't working anyhow.

That being said long weekends can be dangerous times. With all the free time that an extra day afforded me I decided to venture into the "outdoors" where I was attacked by "death rays" from the sun which left me burnt and looking like a red smurf. Apparently Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam, but he does want to attack me with them - seems hypocritical but who am I to judge.

Anyhow, just wanted to leave y'all with some hard hitting questions to answer on this longest of long weekends (or regular ass weekend for international viewers).

Who does Jesus want for a sunbeam?
Would Jesus want Al "Chainsaw" Dunlap the ex CFO of Sunbeam?

Do y'all put your clothes in the dryer or hang them to dry?
Which holidays are better: religious ones or ones based on politicians?
Would all holidays be better if you fired off fireworks?
Would it be disrespectful to light fireworks on Easter?
Was Jesus actually a zombie or is it just a "coincidence" that he came back to life and moved a boulder?
What is your favorite zombie movie?

Why is R.W.A?

Well friends, like a lap dance at the Spearmint Rhino, all good things must come to an end. This is the final act in our initial "hard-hitting" puff piece that is designed to give readers the impression journalistic questions are being answered while really just marketing the blog itself. It has ultimately been successful though as the blog has developed a consistent reader base (almost at 100 views y'all). I feel like this may all still be from "The Littlest Hobo" shout out as all the traffic is coming from Canada (we lost Germany - apparently Iron Savior is a bigger deal than I thought) but regardless a blog hit is a blog hit (except the 47 that come from me frantically checking the page, I don't know if those count (Enron style accounting says yes)).

Anyway today has Matt Lauer and the gang asking "Why is R.W.A?". My response is that the Today show has been in descent ever since Katie Couric left (although Meredith Vieira stemmed the bleeding and will always be #1 soccer mom in my heart). The presence of Kathie Lee Gifford just reminds me that she is a poor man's Kelly Ripa (and by poor I mean homeless). Matt should probably flee to nighttime television before they recruit Elizabeth Hasselbeck and the average I.Q. of Americans everywhere drops by 7 points. But I digress...

Breakfast television conflicts aside this megablog was formed for multiple reasons but first and foremost is the fact that I am bullish on blogs. As Barry Obama and the Republican flavour of the week (I'm not sure exactly who is the commandant of the Reps at this point but it's gotta be this gentleman because I have been hearing a lot about him) continue their bickering over how they can formulate a plan which will both bankrupt the country but allow them to get elected in 2012, it occurred to me that the average American is not going to have the "fist full of dollars" that were all the rage of the 90's/00's.

Since Canada's main source of income comes from panning for gold in rivers/streams I'm not too concerned but while we will scrape by (literally, with pans at the bottom of streams), the amount of money Americans have to spend on "goods and services" will be dropping drastically. As they are driven away from things that actually cost money blog consumption will rise tenfold. As a purveyor of quality information rivalled only by the pages of the now defunct "News of the World" I have created this blog in anticipation of the upcoming run on blogs. My ultimate goal is to become a worldwide "Blog Mogul" and shape the outcome of public opinion by acting as the puppeteer behind several high profile twitter accounts. It's a lofty goal, but one my good friend Rupert could only admire.

Aside from my aspirations of worldwide blog dominance (blominance? bloginance?) I have a few personal goals for this blog: to make you laugh, to introduce you to new music, to provide witty candor on current events and relate all three to my home and native land. Unfortunately, some of these goals are somewhat dichotomous which will ultimately lead me to create fictitious characters. This will enable me to continue to further the narrative without creating confusion about the goals. If sitcoms have taught me anything it is that people are confused by characters who don't make consistent decisions relating to the plot (Joey is dumb and likes sex! Chandler is the sarcastic one!) so don't be surprised if by the time this thing winds itself up there are 167 different characters. At that point you won't even need to read the blog, you'll just read the "author" and immediately know the tone and probable content of the post and will save me from actually having to create any new content - a big dub for my blog empire.

That's all I've got for now so lets all appreciate the fact we have gotten through this myriad (read: hemhorraging shit-ass) of questions and the blog can now find its cadence in regularly posted random content. The training wheels are off folks!

When is R.W.A?

As we start our dissent on the RIVETING collection of question/answer tandems that have epitomized the majority of blogging to date the next on our docket is "When is R.W.A?". Time is in the eye of the beholder (and also Casio watches) and this blog exists when the content is registered by the end user. This blog ceases to exist until you, the reader, have perceived it and it enters your consciousness.......

Sorry y'all, been reading a lot of Nietzsche and thought I'd try to sound smart (I'll leave that to Nancy Grace from now on). The answer to this question is whenever I get around to writing it, which at this point in time appears to be somewhere between 2 and 4 times per week (the lady at the public library has kicked me out mid-post multiple times for eating while on the computer (I always end up getting the chocolate from my Dunkeroos on the keyboard). It may also have something to do with me blasting Waka Flocka Flames on the computer speakers during pre-school story time). I hope to soon save enough money (read: collect enough bottles) to get a Magic Jack and couple it with the fine folks at 3WEB for some free interwebs (56.6K Y'all. 14.4 is for suckers). As mentioned previously, posts will never come at Cal Ripken-esque rate but I think we can shoot for something like Eric Lindros (he didn't play often, but when he did he was good).

Anyways, today I'd like to delve away from the usual bullshit and try to post something with a little more depth (this is the Mariana Trench of posts. No, not that Marianas Trench, who makes Fefe Dobson look like Amy Winehouse). We all know that the internet is a big penis showing contest, both figuratively and literally (I'll stick to the figurative, Peter North has me beat by an inch or two). In the music world that means trying to discover/provide/break new music before anyone else. I'm never going win that battle because I'm too lazy but I do find the odd golden nugget buried in the remains of music's past (It's a lesson that oil and gas taught me - dead dinosaurs = oil = $).

There is a band/artist out of Australia that I caught a couple years back in the soundtrack of a snowboard movie that really grabbed me. His name is Ned Beckley but he has all his music posted on the interwebs under "The Bloom Project" (you can find everything you need here). The first song that grabbed me of Ned's was "Between Spaces". I am a huge fan of DJ Shadow's "Private Press" (really I am a huge fan of most of his music with the exception of the hemhorraging shit ass that is "The Outsider") and I found this reminiscent of DJ Shadow's Blood on the Motorway (Shadow uses Hand Bells! Those have gone unused since Junior High Concerts!). He's utilized multiple softer instrumental pieces and layered them together with a driving drum beat (one of the things that has always drawn me to Shadow's work). It all works brilliantly (including the soft audio sample in the middle - just as Blood in the Motorway did) in allowing the artist to dictate the mood you should be feeling when listening to it. It seems like Ned may also take influence from Australian mates The Avalanches whose sample heavy sound (Does it get any more sample heavy than their album Since I Left You?) is similar.

Every now and then I find myself in a more passive music listening place where I still want the music to take me somewhere but without really actively listening to it. Nine Inch Nails album Ghosts I - IV was great for this, helping guide your consciousness without you necessarily realizing it was taking you somewhere. I think that Ned's music has been successful (in my mind anyway) in the same sense. Don't mistake this for me insinuating it is "background music" because it definitely is not. I'd see it as more analogous to a catamaran; while the primary reason for going on a catamaran is transportation, it's so thoroughly fucking enjoyable that you don't realize that is it's main function (as compared to the public bus, where there is no question). Hopefully this either makes sense or I have so thoroughly confused you that you'll agree just to avoid the possibility of looking stupid.

Might have gotten a little to deep for a Saturday, but it is what it is. Until next time....

Where is R.W.A

Hello friends, family, esteemed colleagues, cohorts, jilted lovers and psychologists looking to read up on the latest in circadian rhythms. Today we will be answering the hard hitting question of "Where is R.W.A", the timing of which couldn't be better as it will allow me to segue in to my recent absence and provide an abundance of content.

First off I want to recognize that the blog has reached the next level of blogcellence obtaining it's first follower (You know who else had followers? Jesus. If Judas would identify himself ahead of time I'd appreciate it). Every journey begins with one step and it looks like this Spaceship Challenger of blogs is all rockets go. With the recent fall of News of the World there is a serious dearth of content with journalistic merit and I hope to fill that void (fear not, I only hack e-mail accounts, not cell phones).

Anyway the question of "Where is R.W.A?" can be answered on multiple levels (by multiple levels I mean two). In The Mars Volta sense of reality it exists in the interwebs, in the mind of its readers, in the people who inspire the blog and content (unlike Mars Volta it lacks espanol and something called "Cerpin Taxt"). This an unsatisfactory answer though and based on pitchfork reviews of Mars Volta albums would likely receive a score of 2.4 - 5.8 from Ryan Schreiber et al.

In actual reality it consists in the "hive mind" of the writers who subside in the MEGATROPOLIS  (I thought I created that word to over-emphasize the importance of the city but apparently some shitty German power metal band called Iron Savior already utilized the term to over-emphasize the importance of what otherwise would have been a flaccid album -  Judge for yourself.) of Calgary, Canada. The city is located on the Western side of Canada in the rolling plains. Since people tend have a better understanding of things when you relate it to America, it is basically a copy of Denver except colder (-), richer (+), smaller (-) and lacks both Tim Tebow and John Elway (+++).

While Calgary has the population and economy (read, superfluous dollar bills) to support a decent music scene, until recently it has been largely lacking. The main problem with the city is its geographical location; while a band could come here and make some decent coin, where do you go from here? Medicine Hat? Moose Jaw? Billings? Fargo? Unless you start/end your tour in the city and want to waste a tour day to come from/go to Vancouver you'll probably skip it on your itinerary (except Josh Homme, cause he is badass and doesn't give a shit about making money). In the past it has lead the city to get a lot of popular (read: crap) bands who will get a big enough payout to make it worthwhile and some smaller bands still trying to make a name for themselves. There has been a lack of the bands you (and by you I mean me, who's ultimate judgement of music is superior to 99.7% of the population) really want to see.

Anyways, there are a couple times of a year when we get some better acts coming to Calgary. The first is around the time Sasquatch Festival is occurring as it gives relevant bands a reason to be in the area. The second (and pertinent to this diatribe) time of year when we get decent music in the city (and before someone writes in to tell me how Sled Island attracts great content (which it does) keep in mind the format (SXSW style) and price ($200 for a festival wristband) can be somewhat prohibitive (having a wristband doesn't necessarily guarantee you access to a show - they can fill up) so go ahead and pre-emptively ride your fixed gear bike off of a buffalo jump) is Stampede Week.

WTF is a Stampede Week you ask? Wikipedia describes it as an "annual rodeo, exhibition and festival". While those are its roots, in reality it is Cowboy Halloween. Instead of lasting one spooky night it lasts for approximately 11 days straight where people from ages 16 - 42 dress up like slutty cowboys/cowgirls and get drunk as much as possible (example: everyday). Aside from the benefit of being able to obtain consensual sex from strangers on a consistent basis and duck out of work at 9:30 in the morning with your bosses permission to drink shooters in a giant tent, it also brings relevant bands to the city to "cash in". Just like how teens on ecstasy like to dance, drunk people like to listen to music and it provides the perfect avenue for bands to come to town.

How is this relevant to this blog? It's not really, it just gives you a background as to my absence (it's a circle) at the end of the week (read: my booze wearied body was incapable of writing. I'm no Hemmingway). While the dream of blog 365 is now dead (it was inevitable, only Cal Ripken likes working everyday) you know a little bit more about the world. Also if you come to visit please mention this blog as I get a 5% off coupon at Peter's Drive-In for promo-ing the city.

PEACE

What is R.W.A?

Prior to answering the question which is both poignant and pertinent I wanted to address the current state of blog affairs. After a monster Wednesday which saw R.W.A power its way up the blogosphere, advancing David Christie to a Y-level internet celebrity, the blog continued its assent. Taking a page out of the Allies' playbook circa 1945, R.W.A conquered Germany. Take a look at the map in my previous post below. Now imagine Germany as "light green" instead of white (I really could just update the map on this post but I want to give you all the gift of "visualization". Teach a man to fish.....).  Today the blitzkrieg continues.

So anyway, continuing down the rabbit hole with hard hitting journalistic questions, the topic of the day is What is REM Without Atonia? I suppose this question is best tackled from multiple angles. Starting with a literal answer lets break it down as follows; REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement (Also Michael Stipe's once relevant band from the 80's/90's. Following a similar career arc as U2, they have been irrelevant since the release of New Adventures in Hi-Fi in 1996. I give Michael Stipe bonus points for not being as preachy as that asshole Bono) or more directly REM sleep. This stage of sleep is characterized by (not surprisingly) rapid movement of the eyes but also brain wave patterns that are similar to that of a person who is awake ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapid_eye_movement_sleep ).

Atonia is simply the lack of normal muscle tension. When we are sleeping there is generally a temporary loss of muscle tone in order to help us sleep better and prevent us from hurting ourselves by moving around while we are not fully coherent. When you put it together REM Without Atonia is simply the presence of REM sleep without the typical loss of muscle function that occurs in the general population. This affliction is common in people with narcolepsy or unsurprisingly those who sleepwalk (does restless leg syndrome count? I don't know).

More importantly is how this pertains to the blog at hand. The short answer is that it doesn't really but we all know that choosing a semi-cryptic name that with deeper meaning can elevate any artistic product (Note to the following bands, I'm looking at you: I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness, Black Moth Super Rainbow, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, The Velvet Undeground, etc). .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead has executed this technique to perfection (if anyone knows what the shit an Isis is, please tell me) utilizing song names that sound like they have been pulled out of a deck of magic cards ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magic_cards ).  Without getting too deep on you on a Friday night though R.W.A can almost be a metaphor for the term "Sleeping Awake" (not the shitty, yet somewhat catchy, P.O.D. song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiPS-JUAZdA&feature=fvst ). I'll leave that one with you to dissect because I don't have any better evidence to offer you.

Anyways as I mentioned previously, my goals for this blog are to offer insightful commentary, sarcastic/sardonic wit, and out of the box revelations on a number of everyday topics. A large proportion of the writing will integrate musical topics/references as music has/does/will played/play a significant role in my life. Reading this you are probably not going to be  exposed to new bands/scenes/music that you aren't already aware of (well, if you have any sort of indie/hipster/scenester cred anyways) but you will get a unique perspective and a fresh take on topics other blogs parsed over months/years/decades/centuries/milleniums ago (except the years 700 - 1200, they were down years for midevil blogging).

That's all I've got for tonight, but I'll leave you with some deep questions to ponder this weekend:

Who is the bigger asshole - Bono or Oprah?
Should Bono and Oprah get married and rename themselves Bonoprah and further increase their status by having only one name for two people?
Is Bono a descendant of Bonobos?
If left alone could Bono fashion a "tool" out of a stick to eat ants out of a log?
Do the song names of .....And You Will Knows Us By The Trail of Dead (AYWKUBTTOD) offend you?
Should "Trail of Dead" merge with NKOTBSB to form a "super-band" with the longest acronym ever?
Is Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All pissed at NKOTBSB for having such a long acronym name and stealing their thunder?
Why do they always use roman numerals when denoting World Wars?
Which syndrome would you rather have - Restless Leg or Irritable Bowel?

Who is R.W.A?

This is really an irrelevant question as REM Without Atonia is a weblog, not a person. I'm not personifying my shit.

In other news, R.W.A continued its assent up the blogosphere as Day 2 traffic increased 600% over Day 1. While the original audience contained only Canadians who mistakenly stumbled across the blog in their search for the latest on the cast of the "Littlest Hobo", on the second day of its existence R.W.A spread like Ebola in a Morgan Freeman movie and captured the attention of Americans everywhere. According to the tiny map on my dashboard, citizens all the way from Florida to Alaska (Yes, my reach extends beyond the lower 48. It may have even extended to Hawaii but the dot is too small to tell whether it is shaded green or if there are just 67 volcanoes drawn on it) consumed the blog at a rate that can only be described as "light green". This still pales in comparison to the "dark green" consumption rate of consumption seen by Canadians (I think that puts it somewhere above hockey, but below Tim Hortons coffee). See the map for a better depiction (ignore the white, its irrelevant to mainstream success).

Anyhow, instead of trying to promote this blog as "being famous for being famous", readers have requested that R.W.A post actual (their words, not mine) content. If you look through the mostly irrelevant labels that have been attached to posts to attract readership who would likely otherwise have no interest in this blog you will notice that "indie music" was tagged in the first post. To the dismay of those of you who have come in search of Susan Sarandon, indie music will be a focal point of the written content moving forward.

The first question you will likely ask is "David, what qualifies you to write about indie music?" My first response will be to subtly inform you that this is a stupid question. Ninety seven percent of the people who write things on the internet have no clue what they are writing about and are simply narcissistic assholes. If you are still unsure what category this blog falls under, wait a few more posts and it will pop out at you like a pirate ship in a magic eye poster.

Still, I feel obligated to provide some background that certifies my "indie cred". Please note the following:

- I have personally met a wide array of "Indie All-Stars" including Diplo, JFK, and Del the Funky Homosapien.
- I have attended > 3 outdoor music festivals.
- I continue to purchase music that only plays on outdated mediums.
- I refused to sing hymns at church because they were "too mainstream".

If all this evidence hasn't swayed you to acknowledge the legitimacy of my writing you are likely the type of person who believes in creationism - this blog isn't for you. If this evidence has convinced you, you are gullible and I would like to engage you in a business prospect/sell you something/take you out on a date.

Anyways, as a resident of a large Canadian city and not somewhere relevant to the independent music scene (read: Austin, Portland and/or New York City) you'll like have some more questions you'll seek answers to in order to determine my "indie street cred". Let me proactively answer them!

Do you play in a band? No
Are you a promoter? No
Do you play music? No
Write music? No
DJ? No
Work in a relevant bar? No
Club? No
Radio station? No
Do you attend many concerts? Not really

So at this point you are probably wondering what kind of new content or unique perspective I will bring to the blogosphere (are you sure it's not a cylinder?). I will be upfront and state that I will largely bring no new information or material to this blog. Most content will be rehashed from other places and stale dated. I will repackage and try to serve it to you as fresh. Welcome to the bottle depot of the indie music blog world. That being said, like a top 40 music station, periodic content shifts will occur in order to appeal to the widest audience possible! This will leave the blog "unstable" and eventually drive away the core fan base (and Susan Sarandon fans everywhere). I hope you enjoy!

W5

R.W.A has become an overnight sensation, doubling its web traffic over the first two days. Building steam with a grain of salt, and utilizing my business background (Yes, selling weed out of a parent's basement does make you a small business owner/entrepreneur. I'm also beginning to diversify my business (read: sell e) so keep me in mind for your nearest rave) I've decided that I need a clearly defined mission statement and goal for this blog. Tell the people what your going to tell them, tell them it, then summarize (thx Devry).

In that spirit I've decided to take a W5 approach. Even the jabronis out there are aware that W5 stands for the BIG FIVE of W's - Who, What, Where When, Why. For those of you unaware it was also a mediocre Canadian rip off of the show 60 Minutes. The TV show W5 utilized newscasters with hockey hair and asked questions that interested only senior citizens and people from Winnipeg. It also used cameras typically seen on Canadian television that made you think you were watching something from ten years in the past (I think all Canadian television filmed during the 90's was done on Cameras obtained from the set of "The Littlest Hobo")

Anyways using the W5 system provides me and you (!) the reader and proud owner of the internet each with one beneficial thing. Breaking my BLOGOSPHERE (This is just the first in a world of bloggery) down as answers to five questions allows you to determine if this is the right blog for you (it's not) early on and determine if this is a train (It's a TGV - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Train_à_Grande_Vitesse) you want to be on (you don't). More importantly, it allows me to clearly define early on and distinctly that this blog will be filled with sarcastic, slanderous, and libelous material which (by utilizing the Bill O'Reilly theory) will allow me to avoid lawsuits/prosecution at a later date. Look out Hansel and Gretel, I'm filling the path with loaves of sourdough.

So, for the next five posts stay tuned as this weblog weaves magic from hemp rope and answers 5 (!) HARD HITTING QUESTIONS usually asked by journalistic heavyweights like Walter Cronkite, Tyra Banks, and the women of the View (To their credit, small children also ask "Why?" a lot too, they're wily like that).  Preconceived notions will be SHATTERED, minds will be BLOWN, and bandwidth will be WASTED. Until then.....

/start

I've been looking for a creative outlet to do some writing for awhile now. Even though writing on the stalls of bathroom walls has its merits, the lack of writing space (people tend to lose interest after 72 characters) and the vandalism of material by others claiming "u have a small dick" led to a quick degradation of the artistic merit of the content. I finally said "fuck it" after I was hosed down by the public washroom on 17th Avenue (http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/calgary/story/2008/02/08/public-toilet.html) for taking too long while honing my craft.

At this point in time this blog is like a made for television movie; it is going to have very little direction, plot development, or coherent progress and when you finally get to the denouement you'll have very little idea how you got there, why it is relevant, or why you should care. I am hoping that some "artistic" types will claim to find meaning in my writing (again, there is very little, if any) and champion it to the masses. At this point they will belittle those who "don't get it" and judge them as inferior. Within two to seven years time this blog will be like comics in the New Yorker - people will claim to find meaning/relevance/comedy in it but be fully unable to explain to a layman what it is. At that point I will become victorious. An alternative victory scenario also sees me become the leader of a "bike gang" consisting solely of hipsters where we ditch the cliche Harley Davidsons for fixed gear bicycles. Only time will tell which one of these "choose your own adventures" wins. Stay tuned....